The Price Of Love
by purplepagoda
Summary: Will secrets, and things left unsaid drive a wedge between Catherine and Vartan? Is she telling him the truth, or is there more  than meets the eye?
1. Prologue

She's lying in bed when her phone rings. She checks the caller I.D., and takes the phone call in the bathroom, so as not to disturb the other person in the bed. She closes the door behind her. She takes a seat on the edge of the bathtub.

"Hello? Is everything ok? Now is not a good time. Look I know you don't understand but I can't be there right now. I'm sorry. That's not fair. Yeah, fine," she hangs up. She closes the phone, and returns to the bed. He looks at her.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you."

"You got a case?"

"No."

"It's three o'clock in the morning who's calling? Lindsey?"

"No she wouldn't call this late."

"So who was it?"

"No one, go back to sleep."

"Cath what's going?"

"Nothing."

"Why are you lying to me?"

"Lou why are you grilling me about this."

"If someone calls you at three o'clock in the morning there's obviously a good reason."

"Go back to sleep."

"Maybe I should go."

"No," she shakes her head, "I'll go."

She collects her things, and leaves the hotel room. She heads to the parking lot and gets in her car. Lou follows her, hoping that she won't notice. She doesn't head home. Instead she veers to the left. When she pulls into the parking lot at Desert Palms he drives by in confusion.

The following day he stops by her office to ask if she wants to get something to eat. He over hears her on the phone.

"Yeah. I'm sure. Ok. I'll see you later. Bye," she hangs up.

He waits a few seconds, and then he knocks at her door.

"Come in," she answers.

"You want to get a bite to eat?"

"I just wrapped up this case, and I really just want to go home and take a shower. And I promised Lindsey that I'd be home tonight."

"Ok," he agrees.

When she leaves he follows her again. He stays out of site as she turns onto a residential street. She pulls into a driveway of one of the houses, and he parks on the street. He grabs his binoculars and watches her carefully. She walks up the driveway. She heads up the sidewalk to the front door. She pushes the doorbell, and waits few seconds. The front door opens, and he sees Nick inside. They exchange a few words and Catherine steps in. Lou tosses the binoculars aside, and turns on the car. He speeds away, trying to put what he's just seen out of his mind.


	2. Cheater?

The following night he waits for her at the restaurant. She comes in, and takes a seat across the table from him. The waiter brings drinks. Lou watches her carefully.

"Something on your mind?" she questions.

"Why didn't you want to move in together?"

"I just don't want to ruin what we have."

"Really?"

"I like it this way. I don't want to complicate it."

"I don't believe you."

"Why not?"

"Catherine are you cheating on me? Is that why you don't want to move in together?"

"No. I'm not cheating on you. Why would you think that?"

"I followed you," he answers.

"Followed me? Why would you follow me?"

"You've been secretive."

"I have a life outside you. I don't share everything with you."

"Are you cheating on me?"

"No. I'm a lot of things, but a cheater isn't one of them."

"I can't believe that you would tell me a bold faced lie."

"Calm down," she insists.

"I saw you."

"Saw me? Saw me where?"

"With him," Lou answers.

"With who?"

"Nick. At first I thought that I was just being paranoid, but obviously I had a reason to be concerned."

"There is nothing going on between Nick and I. I'm not going to say that the thought has never crossed my mind, but I'm not cheating on you with him."

"So why were you at his house?"

"I had something important to discuss with him."

"At his house?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Maybe I would if you'd tell me the truth."

"Look I just need you to believe me. I can't explain it to you."

"Why not?"

"I have my reasons."

"Such as?"

"I've made a lot of mistakes in my life, and I don't really want to relive them."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Please just trust me."

"I can't, not when you can't open up to me. I don't know what I'm supposed to make of it."

"I'm sorry."

"He's the one who called the other night?"

She looks away, unsure how to answer. Her phone rings. He reads the caller I.D. before she can pick it up. He shakes his head as she pulls the phone to her ear.

"Hello? No right now isn't a good time. Yes I know. What do you want me to do? I can't. Not right now. Can you call back later? Yes, I am. Again? Why? I'll try. Ok. Bye," she huffs in anger as she hangs up the phone.

Lou locks eyes with her. "Nick again? Why does he keep calling?"

"It's complicated, and I don't really want to explain."

"So..."

"I've got to go."

"This is never going to work if you keep running away."

"I'm not running away."

"What are you doing then?"

"I have something else that I need to take care of. I can't ignore it."

"Something more important than me, than us?"

"I'm sorry."

"I can't believe this."

"I want to make this work..."

"Then try harder. Let me in. Stop pushing me away."

"I can't."

"Are you afraid of getting hurt?"

"I'm afraid of screwing up again."

"You think that I'm going to be on your list of regrets?"

"I don't know," she shrugs as she walks away.

Later that night she lies awake in bed. She stares at the ceiling. The room is relatively quiet, except for the ceiling fan whirling around. She rolls over and attempts to fall asleep. Eventually she falls asleep.

When she wakes up she hears someone knocking on the door. She quickly jumps up. As she races down the stairs she pulls her hair into a pony tail. "Coming," she calls out. She doesn't check the peephole, she simply opens the door. She stares at the man standing before her.

"What are you doing here."

"I know that today is your day off, and I know that things didn't end on a good note between us last night, but I was hoping I could make it up to you."

"Now is not a good time."

"I thought that I could buy you breakfast."

"Now is not a good time," she repeats.

"Why? Is someone else here."

She pauses for a few moments before answering, "I just can't."

"He's here?"

"No, he's not here."

"So why don't you want to go to breakfast with me?"

"Lou..."

"If you don't want to go out I can come in. You can go shower, and I'll make you breakfast."

"No."

"I'm sorry that I freaked out on you, but I just don't understand what's going on."

"Lou I don't bring men home. I try to keep my daughters best interest at heart."

"I understand, but..."

"But what?"

"Why can't you see that I'm crazy about you. I want more than what we've got. I want you."

"I'm a mess."

"It doesn't matter. I want to be with you. I wish that you could just trust me."

"I do trust you."

"So what's the problem?"

"I can't. I cant' do this. No matter how much I want to, I can't take the chance."

"You don't want to take the chance."

"I can't afford to take the chance. You're a great guy, but... I gave up looking for something serious a long time ago. If you can't respect that then we shouldn't be together."


	3. On The Other End Of The Line

Catherine looks past Lou, and sees Nick pulling into the drive. She takes a deep breath. Lou's head turns.

"Why is he here? What is going on between the two of you? If you aren't cheating then..."

"You should go."

"Why can't you just explain it to me?"

"Please go," she begs.

"Fine," he agrees. He turns and walks to his car. Nick backs out of the driveway to let him out. Lou leaves, and Nick pulls back into the driveway. He kills the engine, and steps out of the car. She doesn't wait for him. She heads into the kitchen. He enters the house, and closing the door behind him. He heads into the kitchen and finds Catherine making a pot of coffee.

"It's quiet in here."

"Yeah," she nods sliding onto the counter.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes.

"For what?"

"Complicating things."

"It's not your fault," she answers.

"I'm part of the problem."

"It's ok."

"Cath you should tell him."

"I can't."

"Why has this always been such an issue for you?"

"You know why," she answers.

"Sometimes I think that you're just trying to protect yourself, because I don't care."

"It's not about you."

"I know," he agrees.

"Coffee?"

"Might as well. It will probably be a long one tonight."

"You have a case?"

"No. How was your night?"

"Uneventful."

"You've got to be kidding."

"I slept pretty well."

"Are you sure?" he raises an eyebrow."Yup," she nods as she pours him a cup of coffee.

"Catherine he's a good guy. He deserves to know the truth. Let him decide what to do with it."

"What if he does the wrong thing. Then everything is going to..."

"The world is not going to end."

"You don't know that."

"I'll be back," she responds, and heads for the stairs.

She creeps into her bedroom, and slowly moves over to the bed. After a few minutes upstairs she returns in clean clothes.

"Nick."

"Huh?"

"Take the day off."

"I am off unless I get called."

"No that's not what I mean."

"I don't mind."

"Yeah you do. Please go relax, you deserve it."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sorry. I need to do a better job. You'd think by the time you were my age you'd have your priorities straight."

"It's a complicated situation. I understand."

"You try."

"Are you sure you want me to go?"

"Go, have fun," she smiles.

He rinses his cup out in the sink, and heads out the door. She sighs as she hears his car start up. He backs out the drive, and she sits on the counter drinking her coffee.

She grabs the phone, and dials Vartan. It rings twice before he answers.

"Change your mind?"

"No."

"Oh," his heart sinks.

"I owe you an explanation."

"I..."

"I do. What my relationship with Nick is... well it's not what you think."

"Really?"

"Really. It is complicated, but it's not what you think, at all."

"So I have nothing to worry about?"

"Not from him."

"Someone else?"

"I'll explain everything later?"

"Dinner tonight?"

"I have plans tonight, but tomorrow would be good."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," she agrees.

"So what is so complicated that you can't tell me over the phone?"

"I can't tell you over the phone," she smiles.

"Right."

"Promise me that you won't tell anyone."

"Tell them what?"

"What I have to tell you, promise that you won't share it with anyone."

"It's that bad?"

"It's not really bad. It's just... it's complicated. Everything about me is complicated."

"Yeah, I've noticed."

"Why is it that you still want to be with me?"

"You intrigue me."

"That's a lousy reason," she points out.

"Well it's one of many," he admits.

"I hope so."

"Catherine I love you."

She sits in silence for a few moments. "I've got to go."

"Something I said?"

"No," she answers, "I've just got to go. I have something that demands my immediate attention."

"Ok."

She hangs up the phone.


	4. Baby Girl

She lays the phone down on the counter, and heads to the stairs. She trots up the stairs to the source of the noise. She pushes the door wide open, and quickly moves towards the bed. The coughing continues. Catherine wraps her arms around the girl. She holds her closely, as she pats her back. Finally the coughing ceases.

"Hi, monkey," she smiles.

"Hi," a little voice responds hoarsely.

"Are you feeling any better today?"

She shakes her head.

"Macyn are you hungry?"

"No."

"You haven't eaten very much the last few days."

"Where is my daddy?"

"I don't know. I think that he is running errands."

"Is he coming to get me soon?"

"No I thought that I would take you back to him later tonight. Do you want me to call him? I will if you don't want to be here with me."

"I do."

"Are you sure?"

"Uh huh," she nods.

Catherine stands up. She lifts the little girl off the bed. She situates her on her hip, and kisses her forehead.

"You're hot."

"Are you going to take my temperature?" she questions.

"No. I already know you have a fever."

"You're going to make me have some medicine aren't you?"

"That's my job," she answers as they reach the top of the stairs.

"Can you pull my hair up?"

"Of course," Catherine agrees as she pulls an elastic band off her wrist. She quickly pulls the little girl's reddish brown hair into a pony tail.

"That's not how daddy does it," she comments.

Catherine sits her on the kitchen counter. "I don't do anything like your daddy does."

"You make me take that yucky medicine."

"I have to. You need to get better."

"It's just pneumonia."

"It's pretty serious."

"How long do I get to stay home from school?"

"A couple more days."

"It's just pre-school."

"Macyn you can't be a pre-school drop out."

Macyn crosses her arms, and huffs. Catherine pours liquid medicine into a cup. She hands it to Macyn. Macyn shakes her head.

"I've got a trick that your daddy doesn't know."

"What?"

Catherine goes to the fridge and pulls out a jello. She takes the lid off, and grabs a spoon.

"Take your medicine."

Macyn furrows her brow, and swallows the medicine. Catherine hands her the Jello. She slowly eats the cold jello.

"Does that make your throat feel any better?"

"No, but it gets that yucky taste out of my mouth."

"So what do you want to do today?"

"Watch cartoons."

"That's it?"

"Uh huh," she nods.

"You know I've got the whole day off."

"I don't want to do anything. I'm real tired."

"We could play Candyland."

Macyn opens her mouth. Catherine waves her hand. "Wait let me guess, I don't do it like your daddy does."

"He lets me win."

"I think that you should learn how to win on your own."

"That's no fun."

"Sorry. I'm just the bad cop."

"Why don't you like me?"

Catherine stares at the little girl in disbelief. "Why do you think that?"

"It's true isn't it?" Macyn questions.

"No."

"I don't believe you."

"Macyn I..."

"I know you have to work."

"Macyn I'm sorry that you think that, but it's not true," Catherine explains, heartbroken.

"Are you sure?"

"I love you."

"Sometimes it doesn't seem like it. You never want to spend time with me."

"That's not true."

"Yes-huh."

"Macyn you know that's not true."

"Can I go watch T.V. now?"

"No. I want to talk about this."

"I'm sleepy."

"Macyn you just woke up."

"I'm sick."

"You're trying to get out of this conversation."

"Can I call daddy?"

"You don't have to ask you know his number."

"Where is the phone?"

Catherine pulls the phone out of her pocket. She hands it to Macyn. Macyn dials a number and waits. A few seconds later a voice answers on the other end.

"Hello?"

"Hi, daddy."

"Hi princess. How are you feeling?" he questions.

"Maybe a little bit better."

"Did you just wake up?"

"A few minutes ago."

"Are you having fun?"

"Not yet. Catherine made me take my medicine. It is so yucky."

"I'm sorry that it tastes yucky, but you have to take it to feel better."

"I know," she admits.

"I miss you."

"I miss you more."

"Do you want me to come get you?"

"No. I'm ok."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I love you."

"Love you too. I'll see you tonight."

"Ok, bye," she hangs up. She hands the phone back to Catherine. Catherine looks at her.

"What did I do?" Macyn questions.

"You know exactly what you did."

"I'm sorry. I forgot."

"You didn't forget."

"I'm sorry. I was just a little mad."

"I know, but we've had this discussion before."

"Sorry. Can I go watch cartoons now?"

"Yes. Do you want some juice?"

"No more apple."

"I know what kind you like," Catherine answers as she sits Macyn on the floor.


	5. My Biggest Surprise

She takes a sip of her wine, trying to get up enough courage to explain things. Lou eyes her carefully.

"I'm ready whenever you are," he assures her.

"I'm not cheating on you," she begins, "but I have slept with Nick."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"In the past. It only happened once."

"So why was he calling you in the middle of the night? Why did he show up at your house the other day? Is he stalking you?"

"You're the only one stalking me."

"So why does he keep coming between us?"

"It's complicated."

"You keep saying that. Are you ever going to explain? Is he just not over you?"

"I didn't sleep with him recently."

"Define recently."

"I slept with him over five years ago."

"I don't understand."

"It wasn't very long after he was buried alive. We were both... it doesn't matter how, or why it happened, but it did."

"And?"

"There was alcohol involved, and I knew that I had used bad judgment. We both agreed to keep it between us. We didn't want it to effect our jobs, so we thought it would be best to ignore it, or at least try to."

"Ecklie found out?"

"No. No one found out. But life is always more complicated than you expect it to be."

"He had feelings for you?"

"No."

"You had feelings for him?"

"No," she lies.

"So what was so complicated about it?"

"Everything."

"Why was Nick calling you in the middle of the night. And why did he show up at your house the other day if this happened over five years ago?"

"He was calling me because he needed my help."

"With what?"

"Macyn," she answers.

"Macyn? Who is Macyn? His dog?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"His daughter."

"I didn't know he had a daughter."

"No one else does either," Catherine admits.

"So why did he call so late?"

"She was in the E.R."

"Is she ok?"

"She's got pneumonia, but she's doing better."

"So why was he at your house?"

"He was coming to check in on her."

"You had her?"

"Yes."

"He left her with you? That seems..."

"He hadn't slept in days. It was the least I could do."

"Why you?" Lou questions.

"Who else is going to help him out?"

"The mother isn't in the picture?"

"Not as much as she should be," Catherine says under her breath.

"He left his sick daughter with you?"

"I do know how to take care of a kid."

"I know, but... I guess I'm having a hard time understanding all of this. Why hasn't Nick ever mentioned that he has a kid? How old is she?"

"I told him that he shouldn't mention it."

"Why would you tell him that? What am I missing? Where is the baby's mother?"

"She's not really a baby."

"How old is she? Why couldn't her mother take care of her?"

Catherine purses her lips. "Macyn is four. Nick has her most of the time. That's the way he wanted it."

"A judge granted him custody?"

"He never went to court," Catherine reveals.

"The mother agreed to it?"

"Yes," Catherine nods.

"Who is the mother?"

Catherine unzips her purse, "You want to see a picture?"

Vartan furrows his brow.

"Of Macyn," Catherine clarifies.

"I guess," he shrugs.

Catherine whips out a picture. She hands it to Vartan. He studies the picture closely, and then hands it back to Catherine.

"She's cute."

"Yeah," Catherine nods, fighting back a sudden urge to cry.

"So why does Nick get her most of the time? Is there something wrong with the mother?"

"There's nothing wrong with her. She's kind of self-absorbed. She thought that it would be better if Nick had primary custody of Macyn."

"She didn't want the kid?"

"It's not that she didn't want her... it's just..." Catherine looks away.

"Just what?"

"She already screwed up one kid, and didn't want to screw up another one," Catherine's eyes begin to fill with tears.

"Why are you getting so upset?"

"Mostly because I'm an idiot."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because it's true. I've spent so much time worrying about myself that... I've really screwed up."

"I'm not sure I understand."

"She wasn't planned. She was a surprise."

"Who?"

"Macyn. She was the biggest surprise that I've ever gotten," Catherine admits.


	6. In The Beginning

"Excuse me? The biggest surprise you've ever gotten?"

"Yeah," she nods.

"What are you saying?"

"Nick called me in the middle of the night because our daughter was in the hospital. Nick and I have a daughter."

"Macyn is your daughter?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it's complicated."

"Why doesn't anyone else know?"

"That's the way that I wanted it."

"She's really your daughter?"

"I know that it's hard to believe. I had a hard time believing it at first, myself. I thought that ship had sailed. I didn't know that it was even remotely possible, but she's proof that it was."

"I didn't know you were pregnant."

"No one did. I'm not entirely sure how I hid it. I mean I never got big. I couldn't seem to gain weight, probably because I was so sick."

"I never noticed you getting sick."

"I hid it pretty well. Obviously I'm pretty good at hiding things."

"Obviously."

_September 1st 2005_

_She sits in her bathroom, on the floor, sobbing. She stares at a stupid piece of plastic telling her that she's an idiot. A innocent little plus sign stares back at her. How could this happen? How could she have not realized sooner? She had been so sick. Maybe it was the fact that she was 45 years old. She was pregnant. She would be 46 by the time that she had this baby. If she had this baby. If she had this baby she'd be 64 years old when it graduated high school, and 68 years old when it graduated college. How could she have let this happen? She was pregnant at 45 with her co-worker's baby. Nick. She couldn't tell him. He couldn't know. No one could know. There was only one thing to do._

_September 29th 2005_

_Nick comes into Catherine's office, closing the door behind him. He takes a seat in a chair across the desk from her. She looks at him through her glasses. _

_"Can I help you?"_

_"Yeah," he nods, "We need to talk."_

_"About what?'_

_"Department issued cell phones."_

_"I hate mine too," she begins, "but there is nothing we can do about them."_

_"No. There all the same."_

_"Yeah. I know. Do you want me to do something about that?"_

_"I grabbed yours by mistake after lunch."_

_"I didn't notice."_

_"I switched it back at the scene."_

_"So why do you look so..."_

_"Confused," he admits._

_"Why do you look so confused?"_

_"Were you going to tell me?"_

_"Tell you what?"_

_"You're pregnant?"_

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"I found the number for an abortion clinic on your phone."_

_"You don't think it could be for a case?"_

_"Did you check your voicemail?"_

_"Um..." she hesitates._

_"They called to confirm your appointment."_

_"Oh I'm..."_

_"It's not a misunderstanding. Please just tell me the truth," he begs._

_"You don't want me to," she insists._

_"Yes I do. Please tell me the truth."_

_"I'm pregnant," she admits._

_"And you weren't going to tell me?"_

_"It's none of your business."_

_"It's mine isn't it?"_

_"Does it matter?"_

_"Yes it matters," he raises his voice._

_"Keep your voice down."_

_"I want the truth."_

_"Yes. It's yours," she nods._

_"You didn't think that I deserved to be consulted about this?"_

_"It's not your choice to make."_

_"It's my child."_

_"It's not a child."_

_"No, to you it's just an inconvenience."_

_"Nick, that's not fair."_

_"But it's true."_

_"Do you know how many things could go wrong? Could be wrong?"_

_"It doesn't matter."_

_"My age..."_

_"I don't care. I don't care what could be wrong, or what is wrong. I don't care. It doesn't matter to me."_

_"What if it wouldn't live more than a couple of days."_

_"I'd still want it. I know that I can't stop you but..."_

_"You're going to try."_

_"Just have it, and if you still don't want it then I'll take it. I raise it on my own. You never have to do anything. It never has to know."_

_"Nick."_

_"Catherine please just consider it."_

_"I can't make any promises."_

_Febraury 11th 2006,_

_Catherine sits in a hospital bed trying not to look as panicked as she feels. Nick sits next to her in a chair watching monitors very closely. _

_"The contractions aren't slowing down at all."_

_"It's too early. She's got another five weeks," Catherine remarks._

_"I know, but she's obviously got a mind of her own."_

_"Why do you keep calling it she? You don't know what it is."_

_"Yes I do."_

_"The doctor doesn't even know."_

_"It's not my fault that she's stubborn like you."_

_"I can't do this."_

_"Do what?"_

_"I..."_

_"It's ok. She's going to be ok."_

_Monitors start beeping and people rush into the room. _

_"What's going on?" Nick questions._

_"Her water broke," a nurse answers as she sits on the bed. _

_"Why are you..."_

_"The cord came with the fluid. It's called cord prolapse. We're going to have to take her for an emergency c-section."_

_"Can I come?"_

_"Yeah, you should get your scrubs on quickly."_

_Catherine is whisked out of the room. The nurse rides in the bed with her, keeping pressure off the cord. Nick is ushered into the O.R. at the last possible minute. He reaches the bed as the doctor lifts the baby out._

_"It's a girl," he announces. The nurse takes the baby to the incubator, and after a few seconds she begins to cry on her own._

_Hours later Catherine is back in her room. Nick sits in a chair next to the bed. Catherine watches him as he holds their baby daughter. Nick stares at the sleeping baby. He feels Catherine staring at him, and looks up to meet her glance. _

_"What?"_

_"Nothing," she shakes her head._

_"How are you feeling?"_

_"I've been better," she admits._

_"Anything you want me to do for you?"_

_"No."_

_"Do you want her? I guess that I've been hogging her."_

_Catherine doesn't answer. Nick gets up, and places the sleeping baby in Catherine's arms. _

_"Do you mind if I go grab a bite to eat?"_

_"No, go ahead," she agrees. He leaves her alone with the baby. She takes a deep breath and looks at the little girl in her arms. _

_"I'd like to apologize in advance for screwing up your life. I've already started saving for you visits to a therapist," she jokes. _


	7. Mistakes

_February 11th, 2006_

_She stares at the little girl, and instead of the overwhelming feeling of happiness, or shock she feels guilty. Guilty for ruining a life that had just begun. Guilty for attempting to end her life before it began. Guilty for brining her into the world to two parents who could never be together no matter how much they wanted to be. _

_Less than an hour later Nick returns. He finds Catherine resting with her eyes closed. Their little girl sleeps peacefully in her arms._

_"I'm not sleeping," Catherine reveals as Nick tiptoes over to her bedside._

_"I..." he hesitates._

_Her eyes pop open, and she immediately offers up the child to him. He doesn't argue, he simply scoops her up. He grins from ear to ear._

_"She's so perfect," Nick comments._

_"Nick we should talk."_

_"I know. I've been trying to talk to you for months."_

_"She's here now, and it can't wait any longer."_

_He takes a seat on the bed, next to her. _

_"What do you want to talk about?" he questions._

_"You ask, and I'll answer."_

_He takes a moment and looks at his baby daughter, then to Catherine. The smile disappears from his face. "Do you hate me for this?" he questions._

_"No," she answers._

_"Are you sure? I don't want you to hate me, or resent me. I know that I pushed you into this."_

_"You did the right thing."_

_"Do you really think so?"_

_"Yeah," she nods._

_"What are we going to name her?"_

_"You can name her."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"As long as you don't want to name her something completely ridiculous."_

_"Like what?"_

_"Pear Blossom."_

_"What about Macyn?"_

_"That's pretty. Did you come up with that on your own?"_

_"I spent some quality time with a baby name book. I was thinking since her birthday is so close to Valentine's day her middle name could be Valentina."_

_"That's cute."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yeah," she nods._

_"How are we going to arrange custody?"_

_"You can stay with me the first week. And then you can have her whenever you want."_

_"Are you sure about that?"_

_"Yes," she nods._

_"Catherine. You really didn't want her did you?"_

_"That's not it. I just... I don't want to ruin her life. I don't want to make the same mistakes that I made with Lindsey."_

_"I don't really know what I'm doing," he admits._

_"You'll figure it out."_

_July 4th 2006_

_It's nearly midnight. After a long day outside for a cookout the first thing on Catherine's mind is getting some sleep. She quickly showers, and climbs into bed, knowing that she'd be called out early. She flips off the lamp, and crawls under her blanket. She's just starting to doze off when something wakes her up. Unfortunately, it is not a phone. She flips on her lamp, and wanders over to the crib a few feet away. She stares at the dis-satisfied baby. The little girl dark hair offsets her dark blue eyes. Catherine yawns, and picks the baby up out of the crib. The little girl wears only a diaper. Catherine pats the baby until she stops crying. As she sits on the edge of the bed holding the baby, she watches her carefully. The baby stares up at her silently. _

_"Macyn you know that I'm much too old for this, right?"_

_The baby smiles at the sound of her voice. Catherine stares at the baby, and feels nothing. Not love, or connection. Not even contempt. She places the little girl back in her crib, and returns to bed._

Nick watches Macyn as she works on a puzzle. She sits at a child's sized table next to the window.

"Daddy?"

"Huh sweetpea?"

Macyn stares out the window, "What is mommy doing here?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Mommy is sitting outside in her car."

Nick gets off the couch, and moves over to the window. "I don't know. Mace go upstairs and pick out some pj's. You can pick out some clothes for tomorrow too. I'll be up in a little while to give you a bath."

"'Kay," she scampers off.

Nick watches her up the stairs. He then steps out of the house through the front door. He walks towards Catherine's black SUV that is parked in the driveway. He walks up to her door, and pecks on the window. Her head pops up, and she points to the passenger's side as she unlocks the door. Nick walks around the front of the car and then climbs in. He looks at her, and immediately notices that she's been crying.

"Why are you sitting in my driveway? What's wrong?"

She doesn't say anything, she doesn't even look at him.

"Catherine look at me please."

She turns her head. She wipes away tears. "Hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

"I told Lou."

"It ended badly?"

"No, he was very understanding."

"So why are you crying? Why are you here?"

"Why do you let me be such and idiot."

"What are you talking about?"

"I was sitting there talking to him, and all of a sudden it hit me..." she trails off.

"What hit you?"

"How self-centered I sounded. What a terrible parent I sounded like."

"Catherine..."

She flaps her hand and he stops, "Nick don't try to make this better. I've screwed up so badly. Why didn't you tell me how stupid I was being."

"What do you mean?"

"I see my daughter one day a week, sometimes two. She doesn't think that I like her."

"No she doesn't."

"Yes she does, she told me so."

"I'm partly at fault. I should have insisted that you spend more time with her, but..."

"But what? You don't want me to mess her up."

"No. I'm not afraid you're going to mess her up."

"What then?"

"I remember on her first 4th of July. I dropped her off around eight. When you looked at her, suddenly I realized that..."

"You think I didn't want her?"

"Sometimes I question that, but that day I saw something else. I saw nothing. I watched you looking at her, and I saw nothing. Like it was someone else's baby. I just figured that it was PPD."

"I remember that night too. You're right I didn't feel anything. I didn't have any feelings for her."

"I should have tried harder..."


	8. The Right Thing To Do

"You didn't do anything wrong. It's me. I've failed her. I barely know her. She doesn't even want to call me mommy. She calls me Catherine most of the time."

"Why don't you come in? She hasn't had a bath yet. I've got some things that I need to do around the house. You could help her get her bath, and put her to bed."

"She's lucky to have you, I'm lucky to have you. Most guys wouldn't put their lives on hold because..."

"She's my daughter. She means everything to me, nothing else matters."

"I know."

"So are you coming in? She's waiting on us."

"How can you tell?"

He points to a window on the second floor. "She's waving at us."

Catherine looks up at the window and finds Macyn smiling, and waving. Nick gets out of the car. Catherine grabs her keys, and follows him into the house. She lays her keys on a table by the door, and immediately heads up the stairs. She finds Macyn in the closet in her bedroom.

"What are you doing?" Catherine questions.

"Picking out clothes to wear tomorrow."

"Are you going to school tomorrow?"

"Only if daddy tells Brittany that I have too."

"Do you like Brittany?"

"Of course, she's my nanny."

Catherine points to a dress, "I like this one."

"Too pink."

"You love pink."

"I think that I want to wear purple tomorrow."

"You could wear your purple and yellow dress," Catherine suggests.

"Yeah, and I have a purple headband that matches."

Catherine pulls the purple and yellow dress out of the closet and lays it on the bed.

"Are you ready to take a bath?"

"Uh huh. What is daddy doing?"

"I think that he's doing laundry."

"Why are you here?"

Catherine hoists Macyn onto her hip, and grabs her pajamas.

"I missed you," she admits.

"Oh," Macyn comments as they cross the hallway into the bathroom. Catherine sits her on the floor and turns on bath water. After finishing the bath Catherine follows Macyn back to her room.

"Can you tuck me in?"

"Of course," Catherine nods, pulling back Macyn's pink bedspread.

"Don't tell daddy, but you're way better at tucking me in."

"Do you want me to read you a story?"

"No," Macyn shakes her head as Catherine tucks her in.

"Can you just stay here for a little while?"

"Sure."

"I know you just tucked me in but..."

"You want me to sit in bed with you until you fall asleep?"

"Uh huh," she nods.

Catherine sits down on the bed next to Macyn. She places a couple pillows between her, and the headboard. She flips off the lamp next to the bed. Macyn snuggles up against her side.

"I have question."

"I might have an answer."

"Why aren't you and daddy together."

"That is very complicated," Catherine admits.

"I know that you're not married."

"No, we're not."

"I thought that you were supposed to love someone to have a kid with them."

"You should, but you don't have to."

"Do you love daddy?"

Catherine take a moment to answer, "What do you think?"

"I think you should answer me," Macyn replies.

"Yes Macyn, I do."

"So why aren't you with him?"

"We can't be together."

"Why not?"

"One day you'll understand."

"Why can't you just live with us?"

"You want me to live with you?" Catherine asks as she pets Macyn's wet head.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Because I miss you."

"Macyn it's getting late, you should try to go to sleep."

"Please stay."

"I should go home."

"Is Lindsey waiting on you?"

"No."

"Stay," Macyn begs.

"I'll stay just a little while longer."

"Ok."

When Catherine opens her eyes it's still dark out. She feels Macyn's warm body next to her. Instead of leaving the room she lies perfectly still. Macyn is pressed up against the wall. She kisses her warm head.

"I'm cold," Macyn reveals.

Catherine scoots closer to Macyn, she wraps her arm around the little girl.

"Is that any better?"

"A little."

"You're still cold?"

"Uh huh."

"Ok. Stay there, I'll be right back."

Catherine climbs out of the bed, and walks into the hallway. She makes her way to Nick's room. She tiptoes into the room, and stops next to the bed. She finds him sleeping at the edge of the bed. She gently shakes him.

"Huh?"

"I know you're tired, but Macyn is having chills and I don't know where to find any more blankets."

"In the hall closet," he answers.

"Ok."

"Cath..."

"Huh?"

"I know you probably won't like this idea, but it might be more effective if you just bring her in here."

"How?"

"We can all fit in this bed, and she'd be between two warm bodies."

"You're right."

"You don't like the idea."

"I don't like it, but you're right."

Catherine returns to Macyn's room. In the dark she lifts the groggy little girl out of the bed. Macyn wraps her legs around Catherine's waist, and rests her head on her shoulder. Catherine enters Nick's room, and places Macyn in the middle of the bed. She crawls in on the opposite side of Nick. He pulls the covers back over them. Nick rolls over to face Macyn.

"Mace is that any better?"

"Uh huh," she yawns.


End file.
